A Letter to the Men I Will Love

I am not perfect.

I have never claimed to be so.

I will make mistakes. Mistakes are part of the human condition. But I promise to learn from them. I promise to learn from you, for you, dear lover of mine, are privy to things of which I am ignorant. You are a revealer of secrets and mysteries to me. Show me words I have not read before, utter prayers I have not heard.

I am scarred - my heart a  worn out battlefield. In time, the wounds have healed, though none truly disappear. They are a testament of the woman who stands before you, who has tended to the ruined garden of her heart with great tenderness and care, who shed countless tears to water each blade of grass. She is the woman who learned to cradle her own heart. She is the woman who, when she had no tears left to shed, stood tall in that rugged field and planted her feet in the earth beneath her and sprouted roots to keep herself grounded. She is the woman, thus rooted, who turned her face skyward and kept her dreams alive, watched them race among the stars.

I am not loved easily, nor am I quick to love. There are still trip wires and land mines on the perimeter of the landscape that I tend. Trespassers are not tolerated. Can you navigate the terrain of this heart? It is here you will find me on any given day, talking, laughing, eating and drinking with flowers in my hair. It is here that I feel most free. Sharing your bed and my body is easy - it is the intimacy and security of a Forever Love that is hard won. It is that kind of love that scares me.

For you see, dear future man I will love, the present me is scared - have I forgotten how to love another when I have been focused on learning to love myself? Will you walk with reverence through the new garden of my heart that I cultivated, or will you rip through it mercilessly with a weed whacker, telling me to start over? The present me hopes that I have garnered enough common sense to be able to tell the lovers from the destroyers. The present me dreams of the future me - a woman who is confident and unafraid of love, who is self assured beyond measure and goes boldly in the direction of wherever her heart and dreams tell her to go.

The present me knows that fear is not a useful tool, and I am trying everyday to discard it. The present me is also learning to boldly go, like Cpt. Kirk.

There is more I could tell you, dear future lover, but if I reveal it all here then what mystery is left when we meet and fall into one another? Be brave, future lover, and together perhaps we shall both boldly go together and explore the final frontier of finding that Forever Love together.


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